I wish I was the type of person who spoke my mind when I'm angry with someone. Or upset. Whatever.

I wish I was the type of person who trusted others.


Sometimes I really hate the people that made me who I am.

( Can't sleep.. so this probably isn't worth reading. )

Taking one from my Little and am signing up for kgb or whatever it is. I passed the test. My killer question was something along the lines of- if the New England Patroits played a particularly muddy game against the Green Bay Packers, how many gallons of water would it take to clean their uniforms?


On another note.

Paper Towns was.. just amazing. I loved every moment of it. Read it. You can't regret it.

So, I re-officially hate formals.I got to finally visit Jackie, yay :) Good times.


Brielle passed away one year ago this week.. I'm pretty upset about that. It's only going to get harder as the week goes on.


Girls are still bitches. I still greatly dislike my sister's boyfriend.


In other news, I love RIlo Kiley, and Jenny Lewis' solo career, and am dying to listen to Acid Tongue.



I want to go to a concert.

Where is my Aidan? Noah? Leopold?

I think that's why I get bored in my life.
I look around and don't see any potentials.


I don't know if I have high standards.
I just know what I don't want.
And no idea of what I do.


-
On another note, I'm loosing another battle, again.
And, I don't know when I'll start winning again.
And, I don't know if I want to.

Ugh.

I hate this week.

I hate next week.


Please bring me comfort.

Ugh I want to work on myself rather than complain but it's hard to change for the better when everything else is always the same. The same things all the time. You'd think with all the people I know, my life would change up every now and then. But, I'm afraid I am a victim of routine. It's comfortable and I rarely step outside that comfort zone and really put myself and my feelings on the line. Sometimes it really hurts when you ask someone to do something and they turn you down for whatever reason. It could be a perfectly valid reason, but.. the fact you made yourself vulnerable to rejection makes the turn down devastating.

And I think I'm forcing a friendship that's not necessarily there. I mean, I thought it was, but a mere geographical change shouldn't be the last word on how often we see each other. Maybe it was a friendship of convenience and it's time to reevaluate.

I think change is good, though. It's time for one. This need comes at a good time.. with winter break around the corner and I'll be able to spend quality time with missed friends.

Also, I think it's time to really investigate my whole religious..ness. I don't like labeling myself as one thing or the other, but, well, of all the things to label yourself with, your religion is an important one. Or, at least your faith. But it's hard to find everything you might believe in without the guiding hand of religion. As much as I complained about organized religion in past years, I do see the benefits of it. I think there's one out there for everyone that you can pretty much wholeheartedly agree with. There's thousands of them out there. I know, for me, it's somewhere in the Jewish/Christian area. Though, admittedly, it's leaning toward Judaism. At least, so far.

Oy. It's late..

On one last note..
I am trying to live a calmer life. I can't spend so much energy being mad anymore.

..never gonna happen


How is it that I still can't let go?

I always bitch at people for not being honest when you have feelings for someone.

But I just feel like it doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't. I know it doesn't.

Still.. it's thoroughly annoying.